7 Drinks Guys Should Never EVER Order

I wrote this post for my client Idreamofu, an awesomely futuristic online dating platform set to launch in a month or so- and I just had to post it to my own. Enjoy.

1. Anything with ‘Tini’ attached to it: Don’t think for one second that raising a pinky while daintily sipping out of one of the most impractically shaped glasses out there is sexy in any way. Sack up man and leave the floofy drinking to the ladies.
2. AMF: Otherwise known as an Adios Mother F***er, this atrocious blue drink has douche written all over it. Unless you’ve already stamped ‘tool’ across your forehead, this liquid accessory can do nothing but salt your already pitiful game.
3. Malt Drinks of any kind: If you’re ordering Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice (no, I don’t care if it’s to Ice someone), in a bar, God help you.
4. Peach Schnapps: This means all Fuzzy Navels, Surfer on Acids and yes, Buttery Nipples. Terribly sorry for your loss… move on already.
5. Malibu Diet: Malibu is awful and sends me reeling back to high school at first whiff. Pair that with a diet cola and you’ve got yourself a recipe for emasculation. Save yourself the embarrassment… or at least have your girlfriend order it for you.
(couldn’t find an image of our dear malibu diet… but you get the idea)
6. Anything on the beach, that’s a slut or is from Long Island:  From hangovers, to slurred words, drunk texts and beer goggles you might as well send out your apology texts now. These hodgepodge cocktails contain a cornucopia of liquors and bad decisions. Unless you’re a drunken sorority girl, or want to be perceived as such, avoid these puppies at all costs.
7. Cosmo: I’m sorry your ex girlfriend made you watch Sex and the City on repeat for the last 3 years but you are under no circumstance allowed to ever, and I do mean ever, order a Cosmo.
(either this is a very small cosmo, or this man has a rather large head.)
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