Sometimes the Internet is Awesome.

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Reddit users caught wind of the above SOS message from Hazel Hammerserley, a patient at Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles earlier this week. The message read “Send Pizza, Room 4112″ during a day of aggressive cancer treatments. What happened next was nothing short of awesome.

Pizza poured into little Hazel’s room to the point that her mom had to request a pepperoni ceasefire – the best kind of ceasefire to call.

Needless to say, Hazel was thrilled and her day was brightened in the cheesiest of ways. Well played Internet, well played.

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Guys, it’s hot out. Want an ice cream?

if you didn’t before…

you sure do now.

so go get one.

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yea, that’s the stuff.

 

Turns Out Whales Explode, Who Knew?

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In case you missed the #trending news yesterday, a big ass, 60 ton blue whale has beached itself on the shores of a 600 person town in Newfoundland. Why should I care, you ask, aside from the strange fascination with dead whales everyone has but no one talks about? Well – did you know WHALES EXPLODE once they’re did? I sure at sh** didn’t.

If you’re squeamish… at all… might want to rethink clicking the ol’ play button. This stuff is weirdly fascinating though sooooo, take a peeksie to see the top 3 exploding whale shots captured in the last few years.

 

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This Guy Dancing To Beyonce is More Important Than Whatever You’re Doing Right Now.

Thought Catalog posted this gem of a video and while I can’t share the author’s How I Met Your Mother finale spawned anguish, it sure as Shirley made my day. I hope it does the same for you.

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Kristen Bell. Is. So. Awesome. – And Here’s Why

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Step 1: Water her fab live rendition of Frozen’s “Do You Want to Build a Snowman”.

Step 2: Fall in love.

Step 3: Spend the next 2 hours watching Frozen clips.

…maybe that’ll just be me. 

Enjoy.

 

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Awesome Parents Sing Disney’s Frozen Perfectly While Cute Daughter Gives Zero Cares

Try as I might to keep my musical loving self at bay, it has no choice but to creep out on this fine March day. Watch as these awesome parents absolutely crush Disney’s Frozen and their cute daughter literally gives zero cares.

I dare you not to have a better day after watching it.

 
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Miracle Whip’s New Whip: Miracle Whip & Proud of It

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A new tag, tone and target for America’s favorite mayonnaise.

Miracle Whip, while arguably the most widely known mayo on the market, has certainly experienced a bit of brand confusion in past  years. They hope to eliminate that confusion now though, with what is perhaps their most drastic deviation to date and sorry, they’re not sorry – about it.

Read the full story on EFM’s blog.

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#TeamUSA Inspired Olympics Kick Off

Happy Opening Ceremonies All.

To combat the less than glam conditions in Sochi, I thought I’d offer a few ‘Merican Pride themed gems I’m rocking to show my unwavering devotion to the land of the free, home of the brave. Now, I know what you’re thinking – who the heck dresses up for the Winter Olympics? Well, riddle me this fare skeptics – when have you ever been let down by showing your devotion to this here US of A. That’s right – never.  #FollowSuit

1. Merica Onesy by Extreme80s. While Maria is donning a classed up version of ye old American patriotism, I am rocking the most awesome onesie to ever grace God’s green earth. No – and I’m so sorry – they’re not on sale yet, but you bet your bottom US American dollar I’ll tell you as soon as they are.

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2. Merica Fanny Pack. This gem is in stock and you should probably own it. Get it. 

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3. Merica Knockarounds. These limited edition were made specifically for Chubbies and unfortunately, can’t be purchased online at this time.

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In the mean time, these bad boys are ready and rearin’ to go. Get em. 

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3. Merica Chubbies. I had to. Get em.

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4. Stars and Bars Chucks. For days. Get them so I can borrow them. Do it.

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And there you have it. You’re welcome America. #sochi2014 #teamUSA #Merica

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Penis Prisons And Chastity Bras – Back with a Bang in 2014

Took a little break here from blogging land there for a minute. Pardon the hiatus. What better way to take 2014 content creation by storm though, than this. I very literally can’t make this stuff up.

Spotted at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, “Penis Prisons” to keep your member locked, loaded and at bay.

Oh  and yea, they come in camo. Gotta trick those sneaky skanks who strategically hunt for d’s set against camouflage backdrops. Also this will be very useful for both the Tin-man and Pinocchio to maintain their angelic v cards.

“No, YOU lock it up” … I mean Him.

So. Many. Questions.

  • Those look like screws. Where do they screw? (#nowhere #giggity).
  • Two of these options are tin and wood. Does the tin rust? Does the wood buckle?
  • Where does one keep the key? What happens if you lose it?
  • Is there a master key to all penis prisons? If so, that seems like a great deal of responsibility.
  • How does this look beneath one’s pants? I imagine not stealthy.

Then there’s this: a bra that’s, and I quote: “Here to save women from guys“. First and foremost, it should be noted that this was invented by a dude. Nuf said.

What it lacks in boob support, it makes up for in moral support, apparently. – Buzzfeed 

This Bra That Only Unhooks For “True Love” Is Basically A Chastity Belt

Sorry sweetie, looks like you aren’t ‘the one’. Pantomime bra tug away.

How does it work you ask? Well turns out, “a built in sensor reads the woman’s heart rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis.” Then it calibrates the “True Love Rate” over time and decides whether or not Lady Luck is on Romeo’s side. Smart ass app.

This is what the math looks like. Clearly they nailed every hope, dream and desire any woman has ever had. After all, ALL I do is jog, flirt, shop, flirt, jog …and eat Sriracha. Obviously.

"The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time."

The best part of this though is the moment of truth when the app decides you’re in love. Where might you be at that magical moment – in a meeting, at lunch, perhaps living any of the 99% of moments where a magical bra unclasp might be deemed socially inappropriate? Yea. The odds don’t really seem to be in our favor on this one.

In member armor and computerized chastity bras,

Happy 2014.

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