Our generation has evolved to communicate almost entirely via text. Shock, gasp right? Relationships are built, bloom and break via super quick fingers set against a touch sensitive backdrop (giggity) and as such, a new set of cultural and technological norms has emerged. I’ve been talking to friends – guys and girls – a lot about this and thought I’d publish Part 1 of -I’m not sure how many- about the wide world of texting and some words to the wise.
*Note: The following recommendations are not meant to offend. These have been gathered from a group of sources and should be taken in stride. By in stride I mean you should live and die by them. But seriously. You should probably pay attention.
1. No winkies before 3:30pm PST. 
There are few – very few – situations where winkies are appropriate and those situations are never before 3:30pm PST. I know what you’re thinking…that’s 6:30pm EST and surely happy hour winkies are a-okay. Let me tell you – they’re not. Don’t succumb to winky temptation. #benchknows
Rule Exception: Emoticons. This rule exception for sure has a shelf life- but if you feel like you absolutely need a winky fix before the aforementioned hour, here’s a loop hole. Use not one but more than one emoticon. One can be a winky face. Somehow this makes it quasi socially acceptable- pending you’re cool with being the guy/gal who uses multiple emoticons via text…but that’s a different story (see #8.)
2. Excessive exclamation and/or caps. In our sarcastic ass times, a whole new world of grammar has replaced the great Strunk & White standards of yesteryear. Adding more exclamation points and question marks is absolutely not going to inspire me to 1. respond faster or 2. be more excited in any way. On the contrary, I’ll probably be less inclined to do both on all counts. Also be careful with caps. Virtual yelling is not cool.
3. LOL. No. Just don’t. Please.
4. Be careful when you start typing… they can see that shit. You iPhone owners know what I’m talking about. When you text someone and you see those little bubbles pop up right away.. and then go away. Yea – the other person was typing, realized they were responding too fast and stopped. Life’s a game, grab a helmet and wait a few before going there.
5. Ha vs. Haha vs. Hahaha vs. Hehe. You think I’m kidding? I’m not. There is absolutely a difference. While ha has a quasi sarcastic, sharp connotation, haha is general laughter. Write hahaha and I think you’re actually laughing, hehe you’re giggling I think? Definitely takes a certain person to rock the hehe and again, LOL- you better send me audio proof you’re actually laughing out loud. Otherwise, just haha like a normal person.
6. Shirtless Selfies. Some of you may be surprised at my inclusion of this one but it’s a bold ass move so I feel obliged to elaborate. Unless you’re at the beach drinking brews with your bros, on a boat with buddies or hell, at yacht week in Croatia, don’t send me a shirtless self take- especially with a smoldering look in your eye (and yes, I just said smoldering). I get it -you’re flexing, can add a super sultry insta filter pre send, and your abs look sick. I understand. But it comes off - can’t sugarcoat this- real douchy and puts me in a weird spot. What’s the right response after all? #Hot? A shirtless self take back? Like that’s going to happen. Bottom line, don’t do it. And in case you were wondering, yes – I did notice that rubber ducky in the bathroom background and that your room is a mess.
*Note: To protect the integrity of the senders, no real – and by real I mean sent to me – shirtless selfies were used in the making of this blog post.
7. Emoticons. This is a tough one. Emoticons are fun, demonstrative and add a little party to your texts. Truth. For some reason though, it’s awesome when some people use them and the most annoying thing ever when others do. I don’t know why this is -but sucks I can’t pin point it cause you’ll never know which side of the emoji pool you land on. #emojiwithcare. If you need a model to follow, see below.
In love, shirtless selfies and no winkies before 3:30pm PST,
Nic
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And here are some awesome responses I’ve received via – you guessed it – text.
