Valenbro. Brolentine. Screw it. Get him a Broquet this Valentine’s Day.

I think we can all agree that as a rule – V Day is a holiday for the T+A side of the equation. Translation – guys better sack up and do something crazy romantic or they’re destined for an evening full of passive aggression and tragic disappointment. Well guys – suffer no more.

I call bullshit on this lopsided holiday and challenge ladies everywhere to do something lovely for the bro in their lives. Insert, the Broquet – an awesome concept undeniably coined by a few dudes yearning for a few post-Christmas gifts. I petal picked a few of my faves from this metaphorical rose.

Hope it gets you in the mood. If not, there’s always the quick countdown to Steak and a BJ Day. 

Without further ado…

1. The Pioneer. A straight shave broquet … because ‘razors with gel strips and 12 blades are for little girls‘ – and nothing says I Love You better than a swift blow to your guys’ manhood.


2. 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon … Minus the Kevin. This gem comes complete with six badass ways to consume man’s best friend (bacon… not dogs). From bacon chocolate, bacon jerky and bacon chocolate chip pancake mix, to bacon hot sauce, bacon salt and, you absolutely didn’t guess it, bacon peanut brittle, what guy wouldn’t be stoked? It should be noted that it also comes with a 5 quart steel bucket, which is clearly (and I quote), “for bacon storage”.


3. The Ranger. While I planned to come up with something witty of my own for this one, their description included both zombies and glee. I just couldn’t resist this good of a ctr+c/v  opportunity. Enjoy. “Being prepared for anything is a big part of manhood. We’re talking floods, fires, bank robberies, ill-advised wilderness treks, earthquakes, Glee marathons, locust swarms, hangovers, bear attacks, shipwrecks, and the zombie apocalypse. And even if he is fortunate not to face any of these scenarios, it’s important for a man to know he could.”


4. The Big Green. Aside from the movie holding a special place in my heart, this one may take the cake as my favorite broquet. Complete with the essentials to throw together a pick up (#ketchup) soccer game, this baby includes – wait for it – Capris Suns and Kudos Bars. Yup – that just happened.  It’s not exactly cheap for what it is but you can’t tell me it’s not fully worth it.


5. The Gym Rat. While some dudes like pick up soccer games and intramural sports leagues, others prefer cut off tanks and getting absolutely yolked at the gym. Introducing JackedPack, the birch box for dudes who want to ‘get huge‘. Featuring between 4 and 15 top products (depending on the size of your package…giggity) per month, get your man a subscription he’ll love – and you’ll benefit from (never said there wasn’t something in this for you, ladies). Love is in the air. Crush weights. Get Jacked.

Screen shot 2013-02-06 at 7.17.02 AM

6. The previously posted broquets target dudes who groom, grill and grind – essentially those who are active and functioning members of society. I realized that by only posting these, I’m leaving out a substantial portion of the population. Don’t worry degenerates, I got you (#pound). Introducing the broquet for everyone else (cough…the majority). With morning mixers, mid day pick me ups, cubans, night caps, and hell, even a shot or two of fire, this substance laden succulent is full of fun for everyone. Cheers.


In sum, you’re welcome ladies. Whether your guy is into man-scaping, mountaineering, sports, bacon, millionaire’s bacon, or taking a black out trip to ham town in front of the tv, pair any of these gems with a lil BJ and you’re a shoe in for girlfriend of the year. Here’s to love, sex and rock n roll… in one form or another this Valentine’s Day.

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2 thoughts on “Valenbro. Brolentine. Screw it. Get him a Broquet this Valentine’s Day.

  1. Chelsea says:

    Wow, Fletch. One of your best!

    Your T+A fan

  2. […] of you may have caught my former post, Valenbro. Brolentine. Screw it. Get him a broquet this Valentine’s Day post earlier this year. Well, the time has come the walrus said, to bring back this gift-centric […]

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