Some of you may have caught my former post, Valenbro. Brolentine. Screw it. Get him a broquet this Valentine’s Day post earlier this year. Well, the time has come the walrus said, to bring back this gift-centric concept with a snowy ass twist. Yes dames and dudes, it’s holiday time and I, for one, am in the mood.
The following manly gems are simply segmented for your convenience.
The stuff he wears:
The Blitzens. These thigh donning Chubtastic gems of wonderment are sewn with the spirit of the season and are 100% guaranteed to send even the ugliest of Christmas sweaters running for the hills. But seriously, those mothball laden mother f***ers have their sleeves between their knees right about meow.
Update – these bad boys not shockingly sold out in literally 3 minutes, but rest assured, the Chubsters have a leetle beet of ridiculousness up their shorts. Cue Thighber Monday. It’s coming.
Tipsy Elves. Consider this inclusion a little teaser for some reindeer games soon to come your way. This humping reindeer gem is just a snowflake sized taste at all the holiday magic they have to offer. Yes, you heard me right. The reindeer are literally playing games right there on your sweater. For guys and girls alike, it’s subtle enough for a work party but party enough for your life. Get this one and just wait to see what else I have in store as the month progresses. Get it.
The stuff he drinks:
Old Fashioned Swag. This Draper-esque cocktail tops the classy man charts in beverage land – this we know. There is though, a right and a wrong way to craft an Old Fashioned. Keep your man’s cumber bun up to snuff with the following:
-A killer glass. Ain’t nobody got time for your rookie red cup cocktail game. Make sure this wonderment receptacle feels like it deserves to be held. Pull your class or humor card – but repeat after me: an Old Fashioned should only be served in a heavy tumblr like these:
Get it on Crate & Barrel.
Or these golf lingo laden ones on Rue La La.
Also, if you’re missing the vital component of an Old Fashioned recipe OR a gift tag… just take this puppy, throw a ribbon through it and you’ll be straight dialed all the way to presentville.
– Whiskey Stones: Ok, so you had an Old Fashioned… or four. Respect. Make the switch to something neat and, since no man ever ordered his whiskey with water, insert whiskey stones. A killer stocking stuffer keeping the brown, brown and the clear where it belongs…in her vodka soda.
The stuff he eats:
Meat. You hang em high, hang em high, hang em high – and we’ll hang em low, hang em low, hang em low (#spacejamreference). You know what I’m talkin’ bout – the Hang Em High BBQ Barrel (serious shout out to the bearded man himself, Balingh). Hang Em’ High Barrels were born to bring a custom smoke experience straight to your back yard… and put some hair on your chest in the process. They’re hand crafted and specifically designed to bring your wet BBQ dreams to life (#visualmetaphor).
Bacon. Bacon is a beautiful thing with which men have a primal obsession . Maple bacon, bourbon bacon, Millionaire’s bacon, bacon chocolate, bacon bloodies, bacon guac, you name the bacon spaceship, they’re sure to hop on board all the way to the freaking bacon moon.
Oh, you thought I had something for you to purchase here? Come on son. Add bacon to anything and you’re straight dialed.
This post could go on for days but I’ll save some ideas for when the clock tolls December. In sum, buy ridiculous clothes, drink bourbon, eat bacon.