Penis Prisons And Chastity Bras – Back with a Bang in 2014

Took a little break here from blogging land there for a minute. Pardon the hiatus. What better way to take 2014 content creation by storm though, than this. I very literally can’t make this stuff up.

Spotted at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, “Penis Prisons” to keep your member locked, loaded and at bay.

Oh  and yea, they come in camo. Gotta trick those sneaky skanks who strategically hunt for d’s set against camouflage backdrops. Also this will be very useful for both the Tin-man and Pinocchio to maintain their angelic v cards.

“No, YOU lock it up” … I mean Him.

So. Many. Questions.

  • Those look like screws. Where do they screw? (#nowhere #giggity).
  • Two of these options are tin and wood. Does the tin rust? Does the wood buckle?
  • Where does one keep the key? What happens if you lose it?
  • Is there a master key to all penis prisons? If so, that seems like a great deal of responsibility.
  • How does this look beneath one’s pants? I imagine not stealthy.

Then there’s this: a bra that’s, and I quote: “Here to save women from guys“. First and foremost, it should be noted that this was invented by a dude. Nuf said.

What it lacks in boob support, it makes up for in moral support, apparently. – Buzzfeed 

This Bra That Only Unhooks For “True Love” Is Basically A Chastity Belt

Sorry sweetie, looks like you aren’t ‘the one’. Pantomime bra tug away.

How does it work you ask? Well turns out, “a built in sensor reads the woman’s heart rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis.” Then it calibrates the “True Love Rate” over time and decides whether or not Lady Luck is on Romeo’s side. Smart ass app.

This is what the math looks like. Clearly they nailed every hope, dream and desire any woman has ever had. After all, ALL I do is jog, flirt, shop, flirt, jog …and eat Sriracha. Obviously.

"The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time."

The best part of this though is the moment of truth when the app decides you’re in love. Where might you be at that magical moment – in a meeting, at lunch, perhaps living any of the 99% of moments where a magical bra unclasp might be deemed socially inappropriate? Yea. The odds don’t really seem to be in our favor on this one.

In member armor and computerized chastity bras,

Happy 2014.

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