Category Archives: Snarky Marketing

Well Played Organic Fuel. #savethebros

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This incredible mock PSA by Organic Fuel promotes awareness of the artificial ‘junk’ in your average workout drink while brilliantly imploring bro loves everywhere to #savethebros. The company recently launched their new Organic Fuel product—which boasts freedom from “artificial flavoring, sweeteners, GMOs, toxic pesticides, antibiotics or artificial hormones often found in other ‘health’ products.

Turns out there’s also a microsite that sells “Save the Bros” swag like manks (man-tanks), gym bags, yoga mats and obviously, trucker hats. #duh.

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They also pull in the #brolife – which they may want to filter a bit more, as one screenshot read:

“Life is like a penis; it is simple, soft, and relaxed. Then women make it hard.” 

#classy

Regardless, this inherently sharable ad is awesome – especially considering the inevitable depression I would personally experience if indeed, bros go extinct.

CTA: BUY one, BRO one.

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Miracle Whip’s New Whip: Miracle Whip & Proud of It

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A new tag, tone and target for America’s favorite mayonnaise.

Miracle Whip, while arguably the most widely known mayo on the market, has certainly experienced a bit of brand confusion in past  years. They hope to eliminate that confusion now though, with what is perhaps their most drastic deviation to date and sorry, they’re not sorry – about it.

Read the full story on EFM’s blog.

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Penis Prisons And Chastity Bras – Back with a Bang in 2014

Took a little break here from blogging land there for a minute. Pardon the hiatus. What better way to take 2014 content creation by storm though, than this. I very literally can’t make this stuff up.

Spotted at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, “Penis Prisons” to keep your member locked, loaded and at bay.

Oh  and yea, they come in camo. Gotta trick those sneaky skanks who strategically hunt for d’s set against camouflage backdrops. Also this will be very useful for both the Tin-man and Pinocchio to maintain their angelic v cards.

“No, YOU lock it up” … I mean Him.

So. Many. Questions.

  • Those look like screws. Where do they screw? (#nowhere #giggity).
  • Two of these options are tin and wood. Does the tin rust? Does the wood buckle?
  • Where does one keep the key? What happens if you lose it?
  • Is there a master key to all penis prisons? If so, that seems like a great deal of responsibility.
  • How does this look beneath one’s pants? I imagine not stealthy.

Then there’s this: a bra that’s, and I quote: “Here to save women from guys“. First and foremost, it should be noted that this was invented by a dude. Nuf said.

What it lacks in boob support, it makes up for in moral support, apparently. – Buzzfeed 

This Bra That Only Unhooks For “True Love” Is Basically A Chastity Belt

Sorry sweetie, looks like you aren’t ‘the one’. Pantomime bra tug away.

How does it work you ask? Well turns out, “a built in sensor reads the woman’s heart rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis.” Then it calibrates the “True Love Rate” over time and decides whether or not Lady Luck is on Romeo’s side. Smart ass app.

This is what the math looks like. Clearly they nailed every hope, dream and desire any woman has ever had. After all, ALL I do is jog, flirt, shop, flirt, jog …and eat Sriracha. Obviously.

"The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time."

The best part of this though is the moment of truth when the app decides you’re in love. Where might you be at that magical moment – in a meeting, at lunch, perhaps living any of the 99% of moments where a magical bra unclasp might be deemed socially inappropriate? Yea. The odds don’t really seem to be in our favor on this one.

In member armor and computerized chastity bras,

Happy 2014.

Ad of the Day: Teary Eyes from WestJet

Not many ads bring tears to my eyes… but this one did. Well played WestJet. Well played indeed.

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Burger King’s Brilliant YouTube Pre-Roll Ad Move

No ifs, ands or buts about it, this brilliantly LOL worthy move by Burger King deserves some acclaim. Watch it.

 

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Why Gap Deserves Some, But Not All of Its Recent Fanfare

 In the spirit of my thinking differently, I thought I’d write down a few mind flutters I’ve been having in light of the most recent Gap ad controversy.

In case you missed it, Gap recently launched a ‘Make Love’ campaign featuring Indian Sikh-American actor and fashion designer Waris Ahluwahlia. It’s a solid campaign complete with stunning visuals and simple messaging; and is tactically disseminated across a number of channels including out of home, print, and social, to my knowledge.

Arsalan Iftikhar, senior editor at The Islamic Monthly and founder of TheMuslimGuy.com found a defiled version of this poster in Brooklyn. Vandals replaced the word ‘Love’ with ‘Bombs’ and added ‘Please stop driving taxis’ in what is without question an extremely racist and totally inappropriate act of intolerance.

Iftikhar’s response? He went straight to the web and posted an image of the ruined print ad to his 40,000+ Facebook and Twitter followers, imploring them to spread the word to create awareness on the topic.

So far so good right? Right. Here’s where I’ll stir the pot.

It took Gap less than 24 hours to contact Iftikhar directly. That means that it took whoever works on Gap’s social media team a near full day to catch wind of and decide how to respond to the massively viral conversation taking place about the brand and then, send one tweet to the source. Let it be known that this was indeed the right course of action for the social team to take, BUT I do not think Gap deserves accolades for their mediocre at best response time.

Iftikhar wrote, “In addition to Gap’s rocket-fast attempt to find out more details about the situation, I have to say that the best part about the company’s response to this social media campaign is that it currently has the Sikh model as their current Twitter background photo.”

Insert another red flag here.

Certainly this topic is controversial. Certainly the defilement was beyond wrong and certainly Gap’s response to find the location of and replace the defaced poster is amazing and deserves credit. That said, if we step back a minute and remove the controversy from the situation, a well-integrated campaign should indeed bridge the tra-digital (traditional-digital) line. It would be strategic, and I’ll go so far as to say expected, for them to incorporate their ‘Make Love’ campaign into their online look and feel. My question is, when did Gap change their Twitter cover photo and if it was after the Internet buzz took place, why wasn’t it on November 4th when they updated their Facebook photo?

Here’s the thing – I assume it was indeed done at the beginning of the month and as such, it should not be positioned as a fast response act of support. This part was simply a tactical extension of a well-integrated branding campaign.

All in all, was it a bold move for Gap to use a Sikh model in their most recent campaign? Some might say yes and regardless of whether or not it is, I give them props for taking a stand -even though it’s a stand that we shouldn’t need to take in this day and age. It’s pretty sad that here in 2013, the fact that this man appearing in an ad is still such a big deal. It reminds me of what became known as the “Biracial Cheerios commercial”, a title which I loathe by the way, that came out in May of this year. By now, I really would have thought things like this would finally be given the norm status they deserve.

Did Gap mean to make waves with their model choice? Maybe. If they did, it was a pretty drastic jump for them, from a brand perspective. Gap generally brings words like classic, traditional and even preppy to mind. They don’t push boundaries like other fashion brands, or even make societal visual metaphors like the United Colors of Benetton. They usually keep it pretty PC but in this case, took a stand. To close, I’d like to give credit where credit is due. Gap deserves accolades for putting out a campaign that inspires love of and for everyone, but from my marketing heart to yours, their reaction time and effort was what any brand should have done in any situation… and not just one laden with controversy.

As Posted on Advertising Week

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Maker’s Mark – Crushing It Again

As a proud Maker’s Mark Brand Ambassador and a fellow advertiser, I feel the need to give sweet advertising credit where sweet advertising credit is due. The brilliant folks at Makers have one of the best ambassador programs out there and this holiday season has proven no different.

From their consistently classic branding, personal touch and quality marketing approach, to a well executed holiday package that is clever, on brand and just plain sweet, I am impressed. I mean, they gave me a hat for my bourbon. #nightcap #doubleentendre #awesome

Cheers all.

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Virgin America is My New Favorite Airline

Some of you may be thinking, Fletch, how on earth can you make a bold ass claim like that when your own father, Captain Ferdojet Fletcher, was a Delta Captain for over 35 years AND you’ve literally not ever once flown on your new fav airline?

Great question friends – and it’s one you certainly won’t ask once you’ve seen the following in flight safety video.

Now again, you’re probably thinking, I hate those damn VHS quality, 1976 recorded, annoying ass in-flight videos almost as much as I hate the overweight, 57 year old flight attendant who keeps pestering me to turn off my iPhone even though I KNOW there is literally zero chance it will affect the safety or sanctity of my flight.*

Again, great point – BUT this video combines my unencumbered passion for killer, out of the box marketing, the wonderment of creating a memorable brand voice and, you guessed it, musicals.

If any big brand readers out there have the drive or desire to make something like this, holla atcha girl. Mark my words, I will make a video of this magnitude before too long.

Watch. Get chills. Fly Virgin.

*No offense to any former/current flight attendants or pilots I may be friends with on Facebook. I love you all and think you’re beautiful. 

 

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AriZona Iced Tea’s Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

The following epic beyond epic letter posed from the perspective of Jim Sterch, of AriZona IcedTea’s Marketing Department, is fing delightful and you should all read it. 

Dear Miley,

Jim Sterch here from AriZona Iced Tea’s marketing department. I wasn’t going to write you this letter, but today I’ve received two emails from interns asking me to remark upon your most recent Terry Richardson photo shoot…So this is what I need to say…And it is said in the spirit of a dude whose job it is to sell giant aluminum cans of refreshing iced tea for the low price of 99 cents.

I am extremely concerned that we might not have enough inventory on hand to fill the massive orders we are getting in the wake of these racy photos. Whoever around you led you to believe that posing half naked with a can of AriZona Iced Tea is in any way “cool” is spot on. Their cool barometer, in this humble marketing guy’s opinion, could not be much cooler. Heck, I’d go so far as to say their cool-o-meter is set to, “iced!”

Nothing but sales will come in the long run from you holding one of our cans of delicious AriZona Iced Tea like a big, hard cock and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way costing us anything for this advertising. Thank you for taking a picture with the label out so people can see that 99 cents for a tall can of iced tea is a great value (even for you) and then also the thing where you hold it like a thick boner and stick your tongue out. Just fantastic stuff all around.

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I am happy to hear you enjoy our iced tea and hope you pay close attention to what I am telling you.

The iced tea business is out of touch with kids these days. Up until these pictures came out, our most innovative marketing strategy was to capitalize the letter “z” and lock the price in at 99 cents. We just don’t give a shit about you, or anyone under the age of 45. Have you been to Arizona? It’s mostly people over the age of 45.

We’re not kidding ourselves. We know none of the creepy perverts oggling your pictures give a shit about AriZona Iced Tea. Many’s the man mistook jerking off for stock dividends. If Joe from Palm Beach wants to print out a picture of you holding a can of AriZona Iced Tea like a penis and masturbate onto it (as thousands with access to a working printer no doubt already have) that doesn’t mean Joe gives a fuck about our beverage. But one day, maybe tomorrow or maybe the day after tomorrow, Joe will walk into a gas station with five quarters in his pocket and leave with a cold can of AriZona Iced Tea.

Yes, I’m suggesting you are helping us sell iced tea. I don’t encourage my daughters to walk around naked posing with cans of iced tea, but that’s only because they’re not famous and, like the distressing majority of their middle school peers, not that hot.

Thanks to you, our cans are worth more than 99 cents. It used to be you just got a refreshing drink when you purchased a can of AriZona Iced Tea. Now, you also get a fond memory of that time Miley Cyrus posed in a red thong-leotard thing where you could almost see her vagina lips, or whatever. Don’t be under any illusions.. ALL our cans of iced tea will still be sold at the affordable and clearly printed price of 99 cents.. but it’s cool that drinking one might make some dudes want to masturbate for confusing and hard to pin down reasons.

I repeat, all our cans of delicious AriZona Iced Tea will still be available for the low price of 99 cents. Some stores might try to sell it for more, but you shouldn’t let them make a fool of you. Don’t think for a moment that the guy behind the counter at your local convenience store has the authority to charge more than 99 cents for a can of our refreshing iced tea. He’s just there for the money.. we’re there for the money also, but we only want 99 cents. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The sooner people realize that, the sooner they can REALLY buy some cans of iced tea.

You also can see your nipples in some of the Terry Richardson photos. Very cool. I am happy you made that choice, because now that I am almost 47 years old I like to masturbate to people closer in age to my daughters than my wife. The heart wants what the heart wants. Unfortunately for me, that means frequently clearing the browser history on the family computer in the living room that we all use. I hold my breath every time my wife Carol goes to show me a video on YouTube. All my dads out there using the communal family computer to masturbate know what’s up with that last sentence.

Real empowerment of a beverage doesn’t come from printing the affordable price right on the can or even from delivering a consistently excellent product for decades. It comes from having one of the most famous young stars on the planet pose semi-nude holding your can. I’ve been in this business long enough to know we are making more money after these almost nude photos surfaced. It’s really so cool. And it’s sending a great message to other young women. Please pose half naked with our iced tea! We would love nothing more than for this to become some kind of thing like that “iced” fad that gave Smirnoff a Q3 bump in 2010. Maybe we call it Getting Zon’d? Getting Iced 2.0? I’ll leave it to smarter people to come up with the name, but you get the idea. And with the raise I’m getting for this future phenomenon I hope to be able to buy my mistress diamonds.

As for the shedding of our 99 cent price.. whoever is telling you we are ever going to do that is absolutely NOT accurate. Our tea is talented enough that we could charge twice that, but we don’t because our market research shows us even our most loyal fans would be waaaaaaaaay pissed by that move and probably switch to a cheaper copycat drink.

Whether we like it or not, and we definitely do like it, your photos have launched us to the next level in the canned drink game. It’s so cool, Miley. It’s dangerously cool. I am encouraging you to send a message to your peers that they should all pose in red thong leotard things with cans of AriZona Iced Tea, then post pictures on social media sites with reckless disregard for their futures. And if anyone from my company leads you to believe otherwise, I will kindly fire that motherfucker because they don’t care about AriZona Iced Tea.

As posted on FunnyorDie

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8 Not-So-Creative Ways to Connect with Customers on Facebook: Be Better Mashable

Mashable recently wrote a blog post claiming 8 Creative ways to Connect with Customers on Facebook. My response: Holy generic post Batman, you can do better. Mashable is arguably the largest tech centric blog out there and I absolutely expect the best from them. As of late though, I’m seeing a whole lot of less than witty, Buzzfeed listcicle knock offs coupled with regurgitated, shallow content – and I’m not thrilled about it. Come on Cashmore, look alive and get on this.

In this particular post, they asked, quote, eight entrepreneurs, end quote, how best to use Facebook to their company’s advantage. I’ve gone point by point below in an attempt to demonstrate the lackluster and, I dare say, archaic nature of their recommendations.

1.     Put other people in the spotlight. Are you kidding me? It’s called user engagement and we’ve been doing it since forever -so far as tech time is concerned. Shock gasp asking the smart consumers of today to like this or buy that doesn’t work. It’s a miracle it ever did. In order to really connect with your communities, you have to cut through the hullabaloo they interact with on a moment-to-moment basis. You have to give them a reason to associate with you. You have to get to know them, wine them, dine them, hell – woo the sh** out of them. Put in the word to get to know them and subsequently, develop a long lasting relationship with them. It shouldn’t be a blatant tactic to put them in the spotlight, which insinuates you’re removing said bright blinding light from yourself. You as a brand should want to know, legitimately, what your people are doing and should be thrilled to get that engagement. Remember, you are friends with your customers and friendship is a two way street. Look both ways.

2.     Interact in a Private Facebook Community: I can’t hate too much on this one because it’s an interesting idea and one that certainly would work for certain verticals. My question though, is why are you removing public conversations about your brand from the spotlight? Certainly it might make sense to encourage brand ambassadors or influencers to bounce ideas off each other and in that regard, a private Facebook group might be the answer, but as a whole, you should foster those conversations in the limelight. Some context might be relevant here Mashable. Similar to um, every marketing strategy ever, you have to know which tactics are appropriate for your brand and now throw things against a wall for giggles and sh*ts. To end on a positive note though, I have seen success implementing tactics like this for more private programs like support groups, especially in the medical space where you may not want to publically share your information/experiences with the masses.

3.     Post Video Updates: Duh. I can’t justify this one with a long response. I just can’t. But I will say that original video content requires a lot of work. From planning and shooting to voice over, editing and more than a few dashes of finesse, it seems a bit misleading to just say to post video content. #justsaying

4.     Offer Discounts and Promo Codes: So you’re looking for the ROI of social media, are ya? Join the club, bud. Aside from the fact that this really only works for ecommerce or printable coupons for bring into brick and mortar locations, this point is a given. Certainly you want to encourage your customer base to engage with your page, brand, and of course, buy something. We get it. The point notes though, that if you limit the number of redemptions to this code, people will likely be fast to respond and keep an eye out for you in the future. With this I agree but I think the right mindset is imperative. Reward your people on social because they’re your loyal customers and you want to keep them happy. Yes, absolutely keep them engaged but don’t do it for the sole purpose of making a quick buck.

5.     Post Unrelated Content: The word unrelated throws this point off. That’s like saying post a video of a dancing kitten wearing a sombrero on the General Electric fan page. That would make absolutely no sense. You have to remain true to your brand no matter what. What does that mean, you ask? It means absolutely integrate a ratio of non self promotional content into your Facebook post mix… but it has to be aligned with your values, voice and overarching strategy. The ratio I lived by in the olden days was 7 or more relevant, fresh, non self promotional pieces of content to one brand centric push. This is still relevant ish but it is NOT new information. In fact, we’re looking back in time about 3 years. Nowadays, creating quality, original content with subliminal or understated branding is the name of the game. Look at Oreo’s 100th Birthday Campaign for example.

6.     Share Stories:  Can’t knock it. I agree with it. To be a successful brand, you have to paint a picture of who you are so that your customers can connect with you on a human level. Show them why you do what you do and who you are. That’s how you will maintain that relationship for years to come. Now, that’s long term ROI.

7.     Post Consistently and Respond Quickly: Again, no gripes with this one… I just can’t believe it made a post dated July 2013. You have to think of your Facebook page (and other social networks) as a reflection of yourself. If you were up on stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people asking you questions, you wouldn’t stand there and do nothing would you? Of course not. Being non responsive or inconsistent in your social posting is like ignoring your communities pressing questions. Want the dumbed down version? It makes them mad. How you handle yourself in this regard is a direct reflection of your integrity so take it seriously. Be proactive, respond efficiently and present yourself in way you and your brand can be proud of.

8.     Recruit Talent Socially: This should be a happy side effect to a solid brand strategy. Notice I didn’t say social strategy. If you foster and grow both your brand and company culture and funnel that information through your social channels, you’ll organically grow a community of advocates who would of course want to work with you. Don’t be on social to recruit talent, be on to social to show the world how great your brand is. The rest should seamlessly follow.

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