Category Archives: Technology

Alanis Updated the Lyrics to ‘Ironic’ – & It Was Amazing.

Been a minute since I’ve updated the ol’ blog here. Such is life. Without making this overdo silence a ‘thing’, let’s cut to a video all of your 90s loving hearts will more than appreciate. It’s laugh out loud before coffee good.

Enjoy.

 

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

Penis Prisons And Chastity Bras – Back with a Bang in 2014

Took a little break here from blogging land there for a minute. Pardon the hiatus. What better way to take 2014 content creation by storm though, than this. I very literally can’t make this stuff up.

Spotted at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, “Penis Prisons” to keep your member locked, loaded and at bay.

Oh  and yea, they come in camo. Gotta trick those sneaky skanks who strategically hunt for d’s set against camouflage backdrops. Also this will be very useful for both the Tin-man and Pinocchio to maintain their angelic v cards.

“No, YOU lock it up” … I mean Him.

So. Many. Questions.

  • Those look like screws. Where do they screw? (#nowhere #giggity).
  • Two of these options are tin and wood. Does the tin rust? Does the wood buckle?
  • Where does one keep the key? What happens if you lose it?
  • Is there a master key to all penis prisons? If so, that seems like a great deal of responsibility.
  • How does this look beneath one’s pants? I imagine not stealthy.

Then there’s this: a bra that’s, and I quote: “Here to save women from guys“. First and foremost, it should be noted that this was invented by a dude. Nuf said.

What it lacks in boob support, it makes up for in moral support, apparently. – Buzzfeed 

This Bra That Only Unhooks For “True Love” Is Basically A Chastity Belt

Sorry sweetie, looks like you aren’t ‘the one’. Pantomime bra tug away.

How does it work you ask? Well turns out, “a built in sensor reads the woman’s heart rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis.” Then it calibrates the “True Love Rate” over time and decides whether or not Lady Luck is on Romeo’s side. Smart ass app.

This is what the math looks like. Clearly they nailed every hope, dream and desire any woman has ever had. After all, ALL I do is jog, flirt, shop, flirt, jog …and eat Sriracha. Obviously.

"The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time."

The best part of this though is the moment of truth when the app decides you’re in love. Where might you be at that magical moment – in a meeting, at lunch, perhaps living any of the 99% of moments where a magical bra unclasp might be deemed socially inappropriate? Yea. The odds don’t really seem to be in our favor on this one.

In member armor and computerized chastity bras,

Happy 2014.

Introducing Coin – A Sexy Ass Diet for Your Wallet

Sick of massive wallets laden with cards you seldom use – but still use often enough not to leave them at home? Worry and read that wordy ass sentence no more – with Coin, a super fly invention designed to electronically house all your cards in one. It’s equipped with a low blue tooth signal for security and is pretty much brilliant.

Nerd out, slim down, spend on. Your wallet just pulled a fancy one on ya… and is lookin’ damn sexy in the process.

 

Tagged , ,

Virgin America is My New Favorite Airline

Some of you may be thinking, Fletch, how on earth can you make a bold ass claim like that when your own father, Captain Ferdojet Fletcher, was a Delta Captain for over 35 years AND you’ve literally not ever once flown on your new fav airline?

Great question friends – and it’s one you certainly won’t ask once you’ve seen the following in flight safety video.

Now again, you’re probably thinking, I hate those damn VHS quality, 1976 recorded, annoying ass in-flight videos almost as much as I hate the overweight, 57 year old flight attendant who keeps pestering me to turn off my iPhone even though I KNOW there is literally zero chance it will affect the safety or sanctity of my flight.*

Again, great point – BUT this video combines my unencumbered passion for killer, out of the box marketing, the wonderment of creating a memorable brand voice and, you guessed it, musicals.

If any big brand readers out there have the drive or desire to make something like this, holla atcha girl. Mark my words, I will make a video of this magnitude before too long.

Watch. Get chills. Fly Virgin.

*No offense to any former/current flight attendants or pilots I may be friends with on Facebook. I love you all and think you’re beautiful. 

 

Tagged , , , , ,

Tinder. The Movie.

Some of you may have caught my How Do You Like to Be Tinder’d Girl post a while back and well, I’m proud and perhaps too excited to share this gem of a fake trailer. You guessed it ladies and gents – this is Tinder: The Movie.

In kindling and flames,
Fletch

Tagged , , , ,

Epic Rap Battle: Nerd vs Geek

Beyond worth watching.

Tagged , ,

33 Reasons We Should Maybe Be Worried About The Direction Of Human Innovation

Buzzfeed just posted this and I have to say, I wish upon many a star that I had found these gems myself. The following are truly amazing and I applaud the web wizard who uncovered the following 33 bits of heaven. Enjoy.

1. Picnic pants

Picnic pants

Really? Really? You can’t just bring a blanket? You want to walk around with the picnic on your pants?

2. This banana case holder.

Um, bananas already come with a case it’s called a banana.

3. This diet water.

This diet water.

Diet. Fucking. Water.
Chill out, diet culture. Just chill the fuck out.

4. This penis-shaped lipstick.

This penis-shaped lipstick.

No. Just no.

5. This baby butt fan.

Do they realize fans already exist? Also, you know, the air.

6. This potty-training device that comes with an iPad stand.

This potty-training device that comes with an iPad stand.

Because potty training needs to be even messier.

7. This “Daddle” for “horsing around.”

This "Daddle" for "horsing around."

Previously called your dad’s back.

8. Snapback fedoras.

Snapback fedoras.

Because fedoars aren’t horrible enough.

9. Inflatable unicorn horns for cats.

Inflatable unicorn horns for cats.

33 Reasons We Should Maybe Be Worried About The Direction Of Human Innovation

I think the cat will pass on this.

10. These fashionable “Morning Chicness bags.”

These fashionable "Morning Chicness bags."

Because even when women are barfing from morning sickness they have to look pretty.

11. This girlfriend lap pillow.

This girlfriend lap pillow.

This is just creepy.

12. This camel-toe guard.

This camel-toe guard.

Um…

13. These shoes.

These shoes.

No. Just no.

14. This ramen fan.

This ramen fan.

Or, you know, just waiting a little bit for your food to cool like your mother taught you.

15. This pumpkin computer.

This pumpkin computer.

There are real needs when it comes to computers. This is not one of them.

16. This “Kush support” thing that is supposed to help women sleep on their side “with proper breast support.”

Apparently even when women are sleeping their boobs have to be nice and perky.

17. This very literal take on hand soap.

This very literal take on hand soap.

Which is apparently “musk scented” on purpose?!?!

18. Nutella shots.

Nutella shots.

Just use a spoon for Pete’s sake.

19. This umbrella with a watergun handle.

This umbrella with a watergun handle.

Ok, this is a pretty cool concept design from Alex Wooley but, like, how about we fixfucking umbrellas?!

20. These jean sandles

These jean sandles

Just use the fabric for something else. Please.

21. This screaming vase.

This screaming vase.

How about not wasting $15 on something when you already own a pillow?

22. This world’s largest coffee cup.

This world's largest coffee cup.

PUT THE COFFEE DOWN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH.

23. This pair of “America Sunglasses”.

This pair of "America Sunglasses".

They don’t even cover all of your eyes. WHY.

24. Any variation on this.

Just use your creativity elsewhere.

25. The French fry holder.

The French fry holder.

Pretty sure this already exists and it’s called your cup holder.

26. “Shittens.”

C’mon, y’all, toilet paper already exists, what even is this?

27. Burger paraphernalia.

Evaluate your life choices.

28. These hand gloves called “Handerpants.”

These hand gloves called "Handerpants."

Please just find a better use of fabric.

29. This lap desk for your steering wheel.

This lap desk for your steering wheel.

NO. THIS IS AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS?

30. These “Snuggle Wings.”

33 Reasons We Should Maybe Be Worried About The Direction Of Human Innovation

A STRAITJACKET FOR YOUR BABY?!

31. These shoes that come with a built-in tent.

These shoes that come with a built-in tent.

It’s OK. Just bring a backpack. It will be OK.

32. This human-hand dog leash.

This human-hand dog leash.

Why, humans, why?

33. And, of course, Segways.

33 Reasons We Should Maybe Be Worried About The Direction Of Human Innovation

NOPE. Innovate elsewhere.

Tagged , , , ,

Monopoly Kills Jail and Iconic Iron Game Piece: World Cries

Now I realize I’m a bit of a 90s purist, but seriously Monopoly? You killed the iron? And you did it in February?? How was this not bigger news? It’s like, and I mean EXACTLY like, when they stripped Pluto of its planet classification and I, for one, am miffed.

The iron is as dead as a doornail. That’s one thing. At least they used the word retired to make it sound respectful in some way. What, you ask, did they replace it with? A cat. No you did not hear me wrong. They replaced the however random but classic iron with a cat. I blame Youtube. That is all.

monopoly-cat-top640

Cat rants aside, the reason for this blog post is to hit upon another point entirely. Monopoly is doing away with jail and just wait til you hear why. They’re getting rid of um, the only obstacle in the game, because kids don’t have time to go to jail while PLAYING A BOARD GAME. They. Don’t. Have. Time. To. Roll. Doubles? I’ll tell ya, I’m worried about Vegas come 20 years from now (street cred to #frobro).  They blame short attention spans of today’s youth and instead of, I don’t know, sending them outside with a stick and a juice box, they’re conforming and making what is essentially Monopoly lite.

monopoly-jail-top630

The entire premise of the game is different. In this, what they call Monopoly Empire version, players can buy and trade big brands like McDonalds, XBox and Coca-Cola instead of properties. Are you freaking kidding me? One of the game pieces is a mini XBox controller and I’d be shocked if others didn’t include a Big Mac and a Coke can.

<insert future vision of  humans in wall-e here>

walle-e-humans-in-the-spaceship

Between 2004 and 2009, Kaiser preformed a study that concluded child media consumption increased from 1.5 hours per day …. to 7.5. That is downright jaw dropping. That’s an entire work day exclusively devoted to cartoon watching, tweeting and video games. Literally, that’s longer than you spend at your desk on a daily basis.

As a marketer, I can appreciate a game based on branding. I would without question support a game called Brandland or Brandempire or anything… but it seems to me like Monopoly’s selling out with negative motivations. The classic game that we all knew and loved, the classic game that stood for quality family and friend time, the classic game that taught you about money and rent and heck, even taxes, has sold out in favor of a dollar.

In the wide world of marketing, you have to evolve. Complacency kills the cat (pun intended) and I get it, old brands struggle through evolution. At the core though, Monopoly has always stood for something in my mind, and it seems that the mindset behind this drastic change is not on brand in the slightest.

The question I’d pose to Monopoly is this: Is the motivation behind this truly for the betterment and evolution of the brand or is it a hands in the air, scatterbrained attempt to keep up with the ever changing tech landscape?  I wish you the best Monopoly but, if I were you, I’d be careful what I throw in the towel for.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

The New Rules: Part 1 of Many

The following post is from my first ever guest blogger, the one and only Evan DeMarco. See what he has to say about texting and what he sees as the tragic death of personal connections. 

article-texting4n-1203

Thou Shalt Not Text

Many many years ago there was an amazing invention in the business world. It was the Skytel pager. A simple device by today’s standards- but a revolution for those of us wanting to stay in constant and CORRECT communication with co-workers, clients and prospects. The Skytel pager was the precursor to the texting revolution. By offering up a few pre-programmed commands like “In a meeting, call back soon,” or “will email that shortly,” or “be home in 30 minutes,” people across the world were able to communicate essential bits of information pertinent to day to day survival.

Fast Forward 15 years and now we are neck deep in the digital communication age, and quite frankly, it’s a shit show. Now before all you iPhone addicts go berating my observations as the defunct thinking of the some by-gone generation, let me introduce myself. My name is Evan DeMarco, I’m the CEO of a 45 year old sports nutrition company and I am 34 years old. I am a product of the Nintendo generation. I am a fan of technology and am as glued to my smart phone as most in this world will ever be. So where then does my intolerable hatred of the text message come from? Glad you asked.

Reason #1

The dating World – If one more of my single friends refers to a text message as a form of communication in getting to know a possible date, I’m going to scream.

Do any of these sound familiar?

I think he likes me- he sent me text right after we met.

He texted me about possibly hanging out next week.

He asked me to come over last night via text.

If some variation of one of these statements are something you have uttered recently, you are part of the problem. Does anyone remember the boiling frog analogy? Put a frog in a pot of boiling water and it will jump out. Put that same frog in a pot of cool water and slowly raise the temperature and the frog will sit there and boil to death. To many people are frogs in a pot slowly increasing in temperature. So many people don’t realize that they are in trouble, they think the status quo is the norm and completely acceptable. WRONG!

The essential process in getting to know someone, romantic or otherwise, cannot be done on tiny bits of information sent over data transmissions. It can only be done in the process of engaging someone in a real conversation, by asking probing questions, by actively listening to that person. It is only through this filtering process, a process which has taken a huge evolutionary step backwards in recent years, that we really get to understand people and determine whether or not they are worth spending any of our valuable time with.

Your challenge over the next week until part two of this series comes out – is to treat your phone like the Skytel pager and transition as many would be text conversations into actual conversations.

Respond to a text conversation with something like “I’m super busy right now but can I call you at 7 tonight?” You’ll find out real quick who your friends are when you take texting as a sole means of communication out of the equation. This is a good thing people. At the end of your life, are you going to look back and think, Gosh – I wish I would have had more text conversations?

Tagged , , ,

How Do You Like To Be Tinder’d Girl?

Amorous couple on romantic date or celebrating together at resta

In case you missed my recent article in Advertising Week, here it is again. 

Once upon a time, there was a little thing called a date. There was a boy and a girl, a car and a dinner. There was an awkward goodnight moment, a silly 3-day waiting period, a little spark, a follow up, and a second date. There was a little thing called romance. It is a with a heavy heart that we must place a metaphorical rose on the coffin of these ancient concepts in favor of a new time; the dawning of a new era where you’ve most likely DTR’d* if a guy uses his phone to call – a time where snap chats are the new non committal text – a time where guys ask ‘how do you like to be Tinder’d girl’ – and that time, ladies and gentlemen, is now.

You all know what Tinder is by now but in case you don’t, it’s a ‘Hot or Not’ dating-esque application that has very successfully removed the stigma from online dating as we know it. By showing mutual Facebook friends and eliminating rejection, coupled with a dash of gaming, Tinder has crafted a modern day love potion for the anti eHarmony 20-somethings of today. They’ve recently made updates to their platform to address slow chat time and age filter issues, two of the top complaints, and have even added a matchmaker feature where you can set two of your friends up on a date, to network or whatever you little heart desires.

Old news right? Stay with me.

Taking this a spark beyond the kindling, a new Facebook application recently hit the world wide web – it’s called BangWithFriends and no, I’m not kidding. God forbid you have the balls to friend request the girl you met last night or dare I say poke her, now, you can outright request a bang sesh with no strings attached. The app’s dev team, who describes themselves as, “badass dudes happy to play wingman to over 10,000 couples and counting now,” saw a void in the modern dating arena – and boy did they fill it (giggity).

bang

Obviously I see a few issues here – the largest of which is security. For example, that moment you forget to put Spotify on private while jamming to ‘Just Around the River Bend’ because, well – it’s important to remember that the water’s always changing, always flowing and you just don’t know what’s around that bend. If those colors of the wind stream to Facebook though, color me.. I mean you- embarrassed. Despite supposedly secure settings, I’m not about to take any chances of being publicly associated with an application that reveals my desire to go to pound town with a random.

#justsayin

Screen Shot 2013-06-10 at 9.27.09 AM

One of the many other unsettling parts of apps like this, while I understand their motivation and even appreciate their entertainment, is what they might mean for the future. The ‘why date when you can bang’ mindset is a messy one. Of course issues like safety, security, etc. will always be there; but taking a rather large step back, what might these social taboos turned norms mean for us and the way we ‘date’ moving forward? Online dating has been revolutionary in the way people meet and form relationships- but these digital booty calls take it to another level entirely.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m glad dating isn’t like it was in the 1950s. I do though, implore you Tinder-ers, Grinders, and BangWithFriends-ers to step back and properly categorize these new toys with a clear mind…and at least one foot firmly planted on the ground.

*defined the relationship

Tagged , ,