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A Repost Yes, But a Killer One – True Life: I Went to Pure Barre and It Was Fucking Miserable

Laughed out loud to this gem of a post. Props to the dude for going… and for calling a spade a spade. Bring a guy to class night though… stellar idea.

Poor bro is lost

 

My fiancée goes to Pure Barre five times a week, apparently to look better than she already does (not possible). If you’re not familiar with Pure Barre, it’s basically a chick cult, which also includes a workout session where you use a barre to perform isometric movements. She comes home and talks about how “hard” class was. I pretend like I’m listening, because that’s what good fiancés do, but really I’m laughing on the inside.

Last week she tells me Pure Barre is having a “Bring the Men” session, and she wants to bring me to class with her. I was knee-deep in a Destiny Crucible match, and as all men know, when your girl asks you if you want do something while you’re gaming you simply respond with yes and hope she forgets because you will. Well let me tell you something, she didn’t forget. She literally brought it up once an hour since her proposal.

I immediately regret this decision, not because the class will be hard, which it won’t be because I’m a superior athlete, but because Gamestop called to tell me I can pick up the video game I pre-ordered at 9PM on Monday, which happens to be the same time as class. I turn this into a bargaining chip to get some unobstructed gaming time in. I’ll go to class, if we go pick up the game afterwards. She responded with yes so quickly you would have thought I volunteered to pay for her wedding dress.

Usually when I’m doing some sort of athletic activity: brisk jog, flag football, looking for stray cats in the neighborhood to collect reward money, I get mentally focused. I didn’t do any of this. Not only that but I walked into this class with my dick so far out I wanted people to think I was the god damn instructor. Much to my surprise, I wasn’t the only male who got duped into coming to class. There are five other couples in class with us.

Upon entering we need to collect three items for class: some resistance bands, two dumb-bells, and a ball I recognize from high school dodge-ball that I used to pelt the nerds in the face with. Not sure if they are on a budget or what, but they don’t have the 60 pound dumb-bells I’m accustomed to, only increments less than five. They’ll do I guess.

 

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So we go take our positions and the instructor starts playing some progressive and trance vibes, i.e. 128 to 140 BPM shit. I’m really getting into it now. The fun is short-lived though. We start moving. We start moving fast. I was expecting some type of warmup but no. My fiancee is firing on all cylinders. She’s a natural. I on the other hand look ridiculous. You could compare my success rate in these coordination exercises to a paraplegic trying to roller-blade. Little did I know that the next 55 minutes would be the worst of my adult life.

We lay on the floor and start with aerobics. The “instructor” is “instructing” me to contort my body in ways God never intended it to. My leg is out, my arm is up, basically we are playing Twister and I spun the four corners. We are five minutes in, and I’m getting shown up by six girls with an average weight of a buck o five.

We move to abs. Abs I can handle I thought. But I thought wrong, you guys. Not sure where this workout originated but my mid-section feels like it’s being ripped open by ten-grit sandpaper. After all, lift, tone, and burn is the motto of Pure Barre, I learn. We move to planks which I’m laboring through. We are 15 minutes in, and I want to quit.

Next we’re doing push-ups, then arms, then shoulders. I feel like the Great Wall of China is piling on top of me. Some bro across the room has run into the backroom. I want to join him, but I’m refusing to be that guy. I didn’t care if I passed the fuck out and woke up in the hospital, I wasn’t giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing I couldn’t make it through this workout. The other guys have horror written all over their faces. We’re gonna make it, bros.

I’m playing mental games to get through this session. 45 minutes to go. 45 divided by five is nine. BASEBALL! I’m treating every five minutes like it’s an inning to give myself some way to cope with the time. Fourth inning, top of the order coming back up. Oh man, top of the sixth, bullpen is stirring. Seventh inning, need an insurance run….

I want to die.

My fiancee keeps looking at me and smiling. Borderline laughing. Can’t wait till she’s pushing out our child between her legs. I will be standing over her with a shit eating grin on my face.

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We move to the barre. Instructor tells me not to lean or put too much weight onto it. If she knew that was the only thing keeping me from keeling over she wouldn’t have been saying that. Every exercise I’m supposed to be violently tucking my pelvis into my abs. “And tuck, and tuck, and tuck.” All I’m thinking is I want to be tucked into bed by my Mother.

I go through a 15 minute stretch (or three innings, whichever you prefer) where I have no memory. Probably blacked out. Not sure if my body was shutting down, the only thing I recall is getting flashbacks of my childhood when I played with Stretch Armstrong, because those are the movements the instructor is asking that I replicate. Eighth inning arrives! 10 minutes to go!

We went into what was called the Cobra Stretch. At this point, I would have rather been eaten by a god damn Cobra then doing this god damn stretch. Fuck me. We finish with some more ab work and I’m thankful because it involves laying down on a mat so if I passout few will notice. Strike three, closer gets the save, game over. The room is spinning. I need a beer.

Get enough women together and they can figure out what men want. We went outside the room and there are pretzels and beer waiting. I’m in no mood to field the cliche rhetorical questions from the others, “Have fun? “It’s hard, right?” I grab two Bud Light bottles to-go and start walking to the car. I need an IV and a body cast.

Add Pure Barre to the list along with Instagram pressure, high-heels, night cream, and 2.5 hours to get ready for night out, of things women have to do to be socially acceptable. I want no part of that. Shout out to females everywhere. You’re the real MVP. I’ll stick to the weight room where I dictate how much time I have between sets and natural body movements.

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NFL Fight Songs: The Good, The Bad, The Awesome

Good morning football fans. For those of you who aren’t aware, I’m a Bolts fan. I talk a big (albeit vague) San Diego game, own some decent swag, and have, at one point, had our fight song as my phone ring.

In the spirit of honesty though, I thought I’d take the Instagram filter off my life (#lo-fi, duh) and admit what is absolutely obvious to 99% of men- feel free to apply this to the majority of inconsistent Sunday bar going chicks at this time of year. I’m the girl who wears the jersey once a month when I decide Sunday Funday trumps a nice yoga sesh, you know, to start the week off right. I pause a beat after something… anything happens to make sure I’m making the right sound (#cheer or #thatwasbullshit call). I can get into/understand it if I really focus, can’t fathom how people get so worked up for teams they’re not fans of, and really, truly don’t get how anyone has time to know as much as they do about every player, his high school record, and his mom’s favorite quiche for that matter.

Now, what’s the point of all this? Football isn’t going anywhere so I will try my best to understand, like and hell, maybe look forward to this American made sport. What’s the best way to get into the spirit you ask? Well, I’m starting with the fun part: FIGHT SONGS.

I assumed San Diego has the best – few will argue otherwise – and it’s on there don’t worry. But I threw back to the olden days and found some gems… and a few fumbles.

9. Buffalo Bills “Shout”

I can’t. This pains me and I can’t imagine this is played anywhere at any game. Shame on you Bills. Be more original.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers “Here We Go”

Catchy rock ballad? Sure, but I have a few bones to pick with the lyrics, which have consistently been updated for the last 20 years. The most recent version has the line, “We’ll go to Mendenhall to get a touchdown/And if you get in his way, he’s gonna knock you around” – which obviously isn’t the case considering his recent retirement from the NFL (yes, I did real research). Also, you’d think they’d hire someone with a better voice for the official youtube video… but that’s just me.

7. Philaldephia Eagles “Fly Eagles Fly

Short, sweet and the fans know all the words, it’s a little early 1900s marching band-y but I like it.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers “Hey Hey Tampa Bay”

Welp, Disco got a hold of the Bucs fight song. Sorry guys. Complete with ‘pew, pew’ laser shooting sounds, a decent amount of repetition for one minute, and a few distinct sexual innuendoes, it’s only a matter of time before this puppy gets re done.

5. Chicago Bears “Bear Down”

Complete with rhymes, “You are the pride & joy of Illinois”, and a cheesy marching band tune, this old school song isn’t intimidating to say the least. That said, it’s a classic and it probably works beautifully when paired with a lovely fall parade in Chicago.

4. Oakland Raiders “The Autumn Wind”

I hate the Raiders. Sorry, but I do and I won’t stop. This though, is kind of amazing. You sure as shit can’t sing along to this Poe-esque monologue but it’s creepy and I like it. My question is, when and where do they play the first part? I hope always and everywhere. I also hope every Raiders fan knows it by heart like the pledge of allegiance. That and only that will make me hate them less.

3. New Orleans Saints “When the Saints Go Marching In”

So. Much. Swag. NOLA knows it and their fight song is living proof. Minus points for a preexisting song but the ‘who dat’ chant / instrumental integration is sweet – and you know everyone everywhere knows, lives and breathes the song.

2. San Diego Chargers “San Diego Super Chargers”

You can’t beat it. It’s snappy, its jazzy, you oh-so-naturally shimmy your hands up to the sky when the “Super Chargers” lyrics hit, it has a SAX SOLO…. I mean come on. It’s. So. Good.

1. Miami Dolphins “Dolphins Fight Song”

Rhymes? Check. Banjo? Check. Grandma Got Over By A Reindeer melody? Check. It’s a throwback gem so good I gave it the number one spot. Also, there’s a T-Pain version. Yea, that helped.

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7 Things San Diegans Take For Granted

The following are as normal as pigeons in San Diego – but in San Francisco, you’re about as likely to see the following as you are to see a baby pigeon, which happens, pretty much never.

1. Washing Machines #thisismylifenow

2. Dish Washers #lotsofboredcatsinSF

3. Parking #thereisnone #donttry

4. Flat Ground
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5. Not having to take the bus #ew

6. A Trader Joes being in close proximity to you wherever you are #allIwantisTJs

7. A lack of wind

But in end, there’s this –

and this

and hot damn, there’s this,

nicole-holiday

so color me excited to live in this gem of a city.

 

How A Disabled War Veteran Learned to Walk Again Through Yoga.

An inspiring story to say the least. Definitely worth watching for a moment of inspiration.

 

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What do you get when you cross a Google spot with an inspiring Rubik’s Cube metaphor? The power to change the world.

Experiences For Mankind

Google has done it again. In their most recent ad, which celebrates Ernő Rubik, inventor of the Rubik’s Cube – the search mogul uses the 1970s game as an inspiring metaphor encouraging the vitality of fostering problem solving skills coupled with the fine art of asking questions for the next generation of potential inventors – ie: kids.

The casual vernacular uses allusions to automatic grilled cheese makers, time machines and even, time machines with automatic grilled cheese makers. The ad poses a question then about the future invention of these seemingly impossible – but awesome things. It asks how future inventors get to be future inventors – without which our cool time machine centric grilled cheese makers will cease to exist. Rubik himself is interviewed in this gem of a spot and notes that the problem with old schooling is that they were teaching answers while what is arguably more important than the answers, are the questions that…

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No, I’m not making this up. The following are actual lyrics from B Spear’ new song entitled “Perfume”.

“While I wait I put on my perfume / yeah I want it all over you / I gotta mark my territory.”

Turns out homegirl does NOT understand the meaning of subliminal advertising and strives to mark her territory like a, well, like a dog. The personal product placement in this here video is as suffocating as the near opaque cloud of Fantasy, Spears’ white trash fragrance. So glad they shot this at a motel. That, coupled with the hair extensions set against a plaid shirt backdrop absolutely makes me want to convert to brand advocacy.

Also, she’s singing really loud while on top of her clearly monogamous dude in bed. Is he dead? Brit – did you kill him for hooking up with the brunette? That wasn’t nice Brit.

In all serious though, it’s actually pretty funny what they did here. They wrote a terrible song and turned around a full length visual jingle in order to sell a fragrance that kills every ounce of class and drive that exists in her target market.

Well played Brit. Fooled us all.

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Miley Sings With Virtual Kitten. Internet Swoons.

Miss Miley has done it again. She took the stage at the American Music Awards with, yes, a virtual kitten who proceeded to sing along with her during her latest rendition of Wrecking Ball.

The kitten at one point around 2:30 goes into a neon green spider web, which is super cool, and then gets a little free willy thang going on coupled with moving virtual tears of wonderment.

Then finally, this happens.

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Watch it.
 

 

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Chewing Gum Means You Have More Sex, Are More Awesome & Have More Fun

Anyone of you readery readers out there who actually know me in real life know I’m  a, let’s call it, ‘fan’ of gum.

The Del Campo Saatchi & Saatchi preformed a sweet experiment to promote the gum brand Beldent, the Argentine version of Trident, where they surveyed 481 people based on their impressions of gum chewers vs their non chewing twin counterparts.  The results are delightful.

Draw what conclusions you will via the transitive property of equality. 

Watch it.

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Guinness: Made of More

Loyalty. Friendship. The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character. 

Watch this. Warm and fuzzies, cold and bubblies. Kuddos Guinness. You never disappoint.

Credit to C. Daus for this gem.

 

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